- 5 years old.

the back of this picture says:

"heather. summer 1983"

it's written in my grandma mccain's handwriting.

it seems as though people only talk about their childhood if it was a crappy one.

not mine.

i had an amazing childhood.

i'm grateful for parents that taught me how to be myself and then how to love myself.

(and for forcing me to laugh at myself and push myself too).

that's all.

happy fridizzle.

sometimes, when i have way too much to do, i get stuck in my office looking at old pictures of my babies.

i remember exactly what was happening in every single one.

the mood i was, the temperature of the air and so grateful to hear the camera shutter click assuring me that this moment would be remembered forever.

this is a picture of me and my 5lb 10oz baby boy brooks.

he was so tiny in the hospital and looked just like a baby turtle without its shell.

in this picture i was so happy to be walking around the hospital room.

i'd never felt so much happiness and confidence in my entire life:

this picture was taken in an old grapefruit orchard in mesa around sunset.

i was testing lighting for a shoot the next night and brought my baby turtle with me to run around and check out bugs.

it was so hot and humid that night.

brooks was crouching down checking out an ant hill and when i finally found him he stood up, turned around and gave me this sweet little innocent look:

this picture was actually taken by my neighbor, carolyn wells.

i had just nursed baby ade and he fell asleep with that saucy look on his face.

i always thought of him as my kitty when he was a baby because he loved to snuggle and have his head pet when he nursed. when his hair sprouted over night it felt like a fresh peach that i couldn't keep my hands off of. i loved all of the baby phases with my little gatorade:

these strawberries were for a summer dinner at jonelle's. of course ade snuck up on to the counter by himself and i didn't have it in me to get him down. it was one of those "live a little" moments and i found so much happiness in his gorging. he threw an absolute fit when i finally washed his face:

does anyone know how to turn a blog into a book?

recommended sites?

-another photography post.

freud threw away all of his early journals.

the thousands of pages he wrote while developing his theories of psychoanalysis.

that's a lot of writing and years of thinking down the drain.

he didn't want his maturing thoughts and theories to be questioned or compared to his years of discovery.

i totally get it when i look back on my photo portfolio.

i pretty much cringe when i see any picture i've taken prior to summer 2010.

and they're out there. all over the place.

it's taking a lot of time to find my "eye".

if i could have my way, i'd take less pictures of what other people want and take more pictures by trusting myself and getting what i want.

i can feel my voice in photography getting a little bit stronger but now i just need more people to photograph that trust my eye too.

bands are a great place to start:

black carl

mesa, az

-william fitzsimmon's new album

picture by arizona lewis

read a little something about it here.

-sundayness

this morning i woke up to ade sobbing.

"i can't know how to fly"- repeated over and over as he threw himself in the air and landed dramatically on the bed.

i told him i was so sorry about his problem because it seemed to be very serious.

and then he said very quietly in the saddest little man voice "it's cause i have no cape".

and then i ate his tear streaked face off for breakfast.

ps- i have the hottest sunday school teacher. i probably would've paid more attention to his lesson if he hadn't been acting all sexy like the whole time. sheesh.

meow. the end.

-somebody pinch me.

i don't think this picture would really mean anything to anyone.

but to me, this picture means a lot.

i've been asked to assist my photo idol for a handful of shoots this spring.

it also means that sometimes- even my most insane daydreams can come to fruition.

breath in. breath out.

now do a happy dance!!!!

-my life

this is what morning looks like to me.

we bought a king size bed last year in anticipation of such moments.

brandon asked me yesterday when we should ween them out of the bed.

i said they'd grow out of it soon.

he asked what does "soon" mean.

i said maybe 6 months but probably 5 years.

he said good.

and excerpt from mary oliver's "have you ever tried to enter the long black branches?":

do you think this world is only an entertainment for you?

never to enter the sea and notice how the water divides

with perfect courtesy, to let you in!

never to lie down with the grass, as though you were the grass!

never to leap to the air as you open your wings over

the dark acorn of your heart!

no wonder we hear, in your mournful voice, the complaint

that something is missing from your life!

who can open the door who does not reach for the latch?

who can travel the miles who does not put one foot

in front of the other, all attentive to what presents itself

continually?

who will behold the inner chamber who has not observed

with admiration, even with rapture, the outer stone?

well, there is time left-

fields everywhere invite you into them.